Dear Dáithí: I’m losing my son to a controlling girlfriend

At first, we thought it was a good thing, because my son was a bit wild, to be honest, he was never one to say no to a party! He did more partying than studying through college, but he scrapped through and got a grand job in a multinational, and that’s where he met the girlfriend. 

She is five years older than him and very organised and precise about things. At first, we all laughed and said she was exactly what he needed. 

But a year on, and it’s like I don’t recognise my own child. She oversees every part of his life, they are on a special diet, they go to the gym together, he never meets his friends anymore, she has him off the drink, it’s like she has taken over his personality. 

If I say anything about it, he cuts me off, and then the next time they come over, she is very frosty with me. He never calls in on his own to me anymore the way he used to. 

I’m terrified they’ll get married, and I’ll lose him altogether. How can I make him see how he is losing himself to her and that his family want him just to be happy? Because he doesn’t seem happy to me.  

I’m going to jump straight in, Mam: stop worrying, there is no need. 

I too was this soldier one time a long time ago, but my mother didn’t worry at the time, and she still doesn’t. 

Like your son I had a great time in college and partied more than I studied and came out the other side of it. 

This is all part of growing up and I think it’s fair to say when you meet the right person for you, you do change but change for the better and this is exactly what has happened here. 

Your son has done what you always wanted him to do, and that is grow up and cop on.

There are a few issues here, and I’ll start with him ‘slipping away from you’. 

He is not dying; he has just moved onto the next part of his life, and I think he is ready for that stage now, but I’m not sure you’re ready for him to do so. 

He has had a great partying life and now wants to settle down a bit and settle down with someone who seems to have her house in order. She has him eating well, working out and off the drink. 

I think you should ask him how he is feeling these days, there is a lot of presuming going on here and not a lot of conversation.

You say this person is very controlling; this is a very serious matter if that is true, and nobody should live like this. 

You need to chat to him and see if this is true and if it is do something about it. It might seem from your vantage point that this is the case but on closer examination it might be a different story. 

It’s a natural thing not to meet your friends all the time when you’re in a relationship, sometimes there just isn’t time, but if you want you should ask one of them when you meet them what is going on. You might get a clearer picture after that.

There are a few reasons why this might arise in your relationship – values play a huge part in all our lives, and like fingerprints they are all different. 

Different, but not wrong, and it’s very important to say that because we can all get up on your high horses and think we are right but different people value different things. 

You both have a set of strong values but some are different so there is a clash.

Now there is a conflict as such here and this can stick its head up when someone’s statue is being rocked, and I think yours is with your son’s girlfriend. 

You have always been the queen bee in his life and now there another bee buzzing around and you don’t like it. 

So, you need to get to know her and when you do this, you will realize that she is no threat at all to you and then this feeling should go away. 

Another cause of conflict can be relativeness, and this is when someone, you in this case, is outside the group, the circle of friends if you like and that doesn’t sit well with you, but in this case you yourself have placed yourself in that position so I suggest you change this. 

Nobody else can do it. You say this lady is controlling but I think you need to let go of the control you had over your son as a child, he’s grown up now. 

I might seem very harsh on you, but I think there is no point in beating around the bush here. 

You need to get this sorted sooner rather than later because I think this lady is here to stay and she makes your son happy, even though you can’t see it yet. 

You say all the family want it for him to be happy and here you have it.

So, Mom what do you do? First of all don’t beat yourself, deep down your concern has come from a good place and that is mother looking out for her son, but you need to take a step back and take a deep breath. 

I’d ask them both over for Sunday dinner, tell your son you really want to get to know his girlfriend. 

When she is there, show an interest in what she does and look for the positives in the conversation. 

Tell your son he is looking well as opposed to giving out to him for not calling around. This might be putting him off coming. 

Make your home a warm place for them both and you should remember nobody can ever replace mam – just don’t go saying that to your future daughter-in-law!