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Friendships thrive on shared confidences, from the frivolous to the deeply personal. So when you’re communicating over a long distance, it’s important to keep that as part of your interactions. “You have to be intentional with your communication,” Rouhan says. “It’s that ‘oh, I just had to tell you this’.”
Stay regular
One of the great ironies of our time is that we’re more connected than ever, yet loneliness is booming. For Melbourne University social psychologist Professor Brock Bastian, it’s not difficult to see why.
“[These days] we keep the connections light,” he says. “No one calls anyone any more – we text. We’re stepping away from those more engaged forms of connection. But if we don’t step into them at some times, it’s hard to build friendships and connections.”
As Rouhan’s voicemail exchanges attest, keeping contact regularly can play a huge role in maintaining friendships over distance. It’s all too easy to want to wait for a momentous piece of news to share, or a special occasion to come up – when really you should just go for it when the mood strikes.
“It’s about making sure that you’re engaged,” says Lim. “It’s about consistency – making sure that you check in, that you regularly update people on what’s happening to you, and ask about what’s happening with them.”
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One evening while I was at home in Brooklyn, a friend in Sydney worked out a time when it was (just) acceptable to have a Bloody Mary at her end, and we shared drinks together over a phone call.
If this sounds vaguely like lockdown behaviour, you’re not wrong. That era taught us to find ways to have fun even though we were separated. Someone I know takes turns swapping books with a mate overseas, so they can dissect them together, while others game online. There are many options from that period we can still use. We can watch a film or TV series at the same time, cook the same meal or set a mutual fitness goal to work towards.
Lockdown habits can still work to keep long-distance friendships alive.Credit: iStock
“You’ve got to be really super-creative, nimble and flexible,” says Lim. “Manage that sense of loss in a way that’s healthy and redirects that attention to kind of build [something] as opposed to feeling paralysed by it.”
Longer forms of communication, be it through conversations, letter-writing or even old-fashioned postcards, still have a place. They give participants time to dwell more on the friendship at hand, and allow the recipient to feel more appreciated than via a comment on an Instagram post.
Go on, just admit it
Admitting that you’re missing someone shouldn’t be shied away from, says Bastian. Lean into it. Great friendships require a degree of vulnerability.
“I think we undervalue the importance of it, particularly in our culture of independence,” he says. “[But] if you don’t take that risk, ultimately you end up in a far worse off position.”
So front up about how you’re feeling – it will be good for both of you, especially if you’re a man. “It’s hard for a lot of men to be vulnerable,” says Lim. “But it’s very normal, right? It’s quite normal to say, ‘I really miss our catch-ups; I really miss you. I wish I was there.’”
Bear with it
Be easy on yourself, though, and don’t necessarily be too perturbed if you do fall out of contact a little.
“There are always ways to reconnect or connect more deeply,” says Lim.
Most importantly, though, don’t give up, says Rouhan. “It does take persistence. It takes a lot of resilience as well. Keep finding the thing that really sticks and that works for you and that friend.”
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